Free time and why can’t I embrace it?

Wednesday 29 May 2024

I’m going to nip off to France for a week again soon – in less than a fortnight, in fact. I have a few days left on my interrail pass and this was about the only time I could squeeze them in before it expired.

But this time the plan is to go without any work. None whatsoever. To take a full week off from the freelance editorial management role I’m in the middle of and to go in a gap between a couple of separate batches of PowerPoint setting work.

I don’t currently have any illustration work on, but there is the whole ongoing background graft of creating work that folds into both a perennial income and also into the portfolio in order to attract illustration commissions.

My first instinct was to do loads of this and build up a bunch of pieces. And to write extra substack posts and build that up, too. I have a bit more work to do on the launch of the new illustrated plant kitchen substack at the end of June, so I could work on some of that. Because if I’m not doing other work, I have to be doing something productive that will lead to bringing in the spondoolies.

But it has become clear recently (due to the unexpected appearance of a bunch of old stress and anxiety symptoms, along with some new ones) that what I actually really need to do is properly and fully take that week off. I need to switch off all responsibilities and pressures. I need to just relax and explore and soak everything in and enjoy the sea, and train jaunts to nearby towns and reading lots and, if I do any drawing or painting, it needs to be completely and utterly free-flow and for me and not for an project or trend or any specific purpose other than to help me feel calm and centred. I need to indulge myself with eating in cafés and restaurants and not only cooking for myself. I need to eat more than two ice creams over the week. I need to look at art as someone who loves and appreciates the beauty and skill in it, not for learning or directly inspiring any of my own art.

And somehow I am really really struggling with this idea. Earlier today, I dozed off on the sofa briefly, while looking at iPad keyboards on Amazon. Because I had agreed with Chris that I should leave the laptop at home. And that was making me jittery. I am enjoying writing now so I need a laptop to write one. He suggested the somewhat old-fashioned notebook and pen. But, if I had a bluetooth laptop I could write quicker and more and wouldn’t it be easier? And maybe, then, I could do an hour of work a day and then I wouldn’t have to squeeze up all the work into a smaller chunk of time before and after? No! I do not need to take a portable keyboard. I need to take sketchbooks and paints and pens and at least two books to read. I don’t need to write at all. (But if I really feel the need to write digitally, I actually find it quite easy to write on my phone. And I won’t be tempted or able to any work on my phone.)

I’d love to hear about how you treat free time and whether you find it difficult to completely relax! Are there particular types of holiday where you can relax and others where you just can’t sit still?

And feel free to send me a message if you’d rather not comment publicly.